Solitary Confinement

From Jan to May 2014, I was in a state of extreme sensory overload. Loud noises, an unexpected touch on the back or an intense conversation would sometimes give me an adrenaline rush and even at times cause me pain in my mid back (adrenal glands). Needless to say I was in no shape for a shouting match. Unfortunately, that's what I was up against almost every day as my father and I had disagreements about....everything. We have always had an amazing relationship and after a lot of healing, do again today. But it seemed, the sicker i got, the worse our relationship got. I decided to take my aunt's offer to live by myself in her shore house in Ocean City to get some peace and quiet in April 2014. I put my phone on silent and unplugged their phone and finally..gradually, I began to feel safe. I slept 16 hours a day, then 14, then 12. After a week or two, I was able to sleep through the night without my heartbeat fading to the point that an adrenaline rush would wake me up (due to a probable MS brainstem lesion). I remember the first night, I had an adrenaline rush during a dream and kept on sleeping. It was awesome.

Many days, I made goals for myself like 'i will walk around the block today'. That was exercise for me at the time. Too much like a sprint and i'd feel it in my heart or lifting weights and i'd feel it in my adrenal glands. I was a wreck lol. I read a book called 'adrenal fatigue syndrome' which i had a severe case of. I had to not let it scare me when i read things like 'this doesn't have to be fatal.' Like, geeze, i wasn't even thinking that!. Don't put it in my head lol. But things did get better and that book was full of very good advice.

Maybe it's my personality to look back and search for mistakes when things just don't feel right.  I looked back at this through that lens only because before i went, I heard my grandfather's voice in my ear telling me not to go there, that i'd be lonely. But i heard him tell me something a few days before which didn't seem to be true so i did what i thought was best. When I got there, i just felt great and relieved like I could finally put my feet back on the ground instead of paddling for dear life.  Pounds of emotional grief came out of me that month when I was there. Past relationships. Heartbreak, guilt. I was bawling my eyes out. I ended up feeling guilty about a lot of relationships and people I hurt. Kind of regretting them because they had to end.

I always saw living there as a good thing but I wonder looking back at this if thats what my grandfather meant saying i'd be lonely. Living there, i'd say, helped me physically get from 1/10 to 3/10 health, but maybe it left me not only with a guilty, fearful view of relationships but also had me associate retreating from the battle with healing. I'd say grandfather's been right. But also, I wouldn't judge someone for making the same choice I made. It was not an easy one and seemed like the best one.